Trade Winds

I have found myself in a foreign land yet again.  Since my last post, I have not only relocated my family once but twice.  First to Boston.  In the summer before my first child's senior year.  The quiet child.  The sensitive child.  My first boy.  It seemed so exciting on paper.  There were so many fun things to do once we arrived.  There were forays into the city on rollerblades on the Minuteman bike path. There were the typical tourists lunches at Faneuil Hall.  But then the school year began, and it all began to crumble.  The idea of it gave over to the living of it.  There were some highlights, the Cross Country team, the friends made.  There were too many lowlights, the druggie first girlfriend, the lying, the screwing up college applications, the will to fail.  After investing 12 years in all the right schools and choices, it seemed like it came down to a handful of rejections to tell me I was all wrong.  I second guess EVERY choice we make as parents but there were just too many things telling me I was wrong there.  And its a choice when you have more than one child.  For number two son, there was the chance to visit his dream music school, lessons with an amazing teacher, lots of close friends and fun adventures.  For this child, the choice was right on.  And then there is the baby.  The girl.  The pre-teen.  So many changes and so much pain for her in the move.  We learned we had to listen better and take her seriously.  We had to change our parenting for this child.  For the lesson we had to learn, the bitter pill we had to swallow, there was a tiny glint of light in all of it.  Our oldest son decided his life's calling was in helping people, perhaps as a doctor. This seemed like an answer to a prayer for us, for him.  Out of bad things, there can be something good.  So.  There's That.  Boston.  Left Boston behind.  The trade winds blew us 5,000 miles away to a small island in the Pacific Ocean.  About as far and as different an experience as I have ever known.  There are all kinds of questions and doubts about this choice.  But, so far, the choice has been good.  Each day is different.  Today, the trades are blowing through my open windows.  I forget my troubles for a time.  I accept the changes and choices that have been made.  The oldest son is doing well in college far, far away.  Life goes on...

Away, away,..

Its the past, the distant past, but there are moments when the recall is so clear, so present, so now. I have no idea why events seem to startle me awake in the boring everyday events of my life. I'll be simply going through the everydayness of my everyday and some past moment will fill my mind, cause me to wonder, evoke these strange feelings from the past. Is there a reason? Is my subconscious trying to nudge me in some other direction? I saw a picture today that made me recall a person, a quite tall fiery red-headed boy I knew in high school. A funny, sweet true friend boy of which I had very few. And then it all went bad, it all came crashing down to reality with a realization that he didn't just like me as a friend, he had it bad for me. A walk in the New Year's Eve snow, a kiss. What????? When all I wanted was what all my girl friends had, a guy to pal around with, I wanted to be a boys' girl...and it could never be. Things got worse, there was a dance, there were dates, it all progressed into a standard, awkward thing. And I became my standard awkward pretty girl. It all got ugly in the end, me kissing another boy in front of him and breaking him. I always broke them, before they broke me. There is just one thing that remains, the card, the poem..."No delicate fine flower can match the majestic beauty of just your eyes." Now, 30 years later, I still remember and wonder...does he?

Today on Jules News...

"It's Today" "It's Today"....shouts little George in eager anticipation of his brother's arrival! I say, I shout the same today for myself. I am in eager anticipation of the new me. The better me. The modified version. I started a streak on Monday and its already Wednesday. This is real progress, people. I haven't done ANYTHING consistently for 3 days lately. Somehow, the whole sweating for 60, plus eating clean and well and being generally non-bitchy has come together. I've been spinning around,stopping at what looked easy, trying to make the square fit the round and NONE of it worked. This works. Stop, believe you're here for a reason, start to root yourself and think positive. Oh, and RUN! Freakin' every day if you can. Nothing, NOTHING puts your head in the right place quite the same way. That's all for now. Think I'll watch the SNL skit about TW again, and laugh through the heartbreak...that man ruined golf for me, I'll never forget or forgive him.